This post has taken me a while to put together, its something that is personal to myself and many others . I want to take the time to talk to you about knowing your worth. This can be seen in many ways but today I’m putting it in the context of ‘ A Breakup’.
Yes, breakups are shit, you lose someone you care about the most but after a while you really being to know how the other half effected your life both for the bad and for the good. Now a little disclaimer in this post, this is about my personal experience, Myself and The other person are not friendly, I am being 100% honest and I would tell what I put in this blog post to anyone.
I am 18 and yes that’s a young age but its also the age you start to meet people. I met my ex half way through the first year of college so we were both 17, we got into a relationship pretty fast, I never really got a chance to know him as a friend, which you should always do to really know their character. we were the complete opposite of eachother but we clicked. Don’t get me wrong I loved the boy and don’t regret anything in the 11 months I was with him, but what I do regret is how I was to myself. As the months went on we learnt more about each other both planning trips (which never came off) and just having fun, He would constantly try to spoil me, with little suprises even if it was just my favourite chocolate, making sure I was always asleep before him. He knew my every emotion and if I was hiding something or faking an emoton. He knew me like the back of his hand. You may be sat here thinking so when are you going to talk about the negatives… well trust me they’re coming. Im a girl who likes space and I want to be able to explore, but I felt tied down.. I should have read the signs. I wasn’t myself, even my friends told me, but I was so ‘in love’ to realise. I was being controlled. The controlling was going to get worse, manipulating and me constantly walking on egg shells, that’s not how a relationship should be. I would constantly put my all into him, I would remind him each day how happy he made me and that I loved him, but some days he would blank me for days if I did something wrong. It was always me that did the wrong according to all the arguments cause as soon as he did I would be told to “Grow up”. Double standards!
If I went out with my friends I would get texts the whole time, did he not trust me? Every time I went out an argument would occur, all I wanted was to have a good time with my friends. We planned days out none of which would have come off in reality and assoon as I said my friends wanted to do a day out with me something like lets say Go Ape, if me and him planned it out he would argue with me, for what me wanting to go out.
The last few months of the relationships I should have just ended it I wasn’t happy and its unfair dragging someone else down like that. I should have read the signs. I was feeling trapped and it was me constantly making the effort. He would randomly stop messaging me for days at a time and say “I want a break”. My anxiety over the time was shit and I could see a change in his behaviour. Snapping if I was sad. The relationship was becoming toxic but I was holding onto someone for comfort, we weren’t right for eachother. I tried I really did try to sort it out but commitment works both ways and I felt like I wasn’t worth anything. Explaining it to my friends each week was hard with them saying “you’re worth more than these tears”. One boy in my class who I never got along with even took me aside to talk, everyone could see, but why couldn’t I.
When we broke up he came round mine, we were both in tears and my head was all over the place, maybe if he’s crying he still loves me right? He left.
As my friends comfort me I got a text off him “Hi, how are you”, how do you think I am my heart is broken, but I just replied with “okay”. After a few texts he said “I cant lose you Martha.” at the time I was like wait what, but now I look back he was playing me. I shouldn’t have fell for it. we met up and then a few days later he said “i think we should take thing slow” which I agreed with. Only in this time he was defiantly talking to other girls so that as soon as he ended with me he had someone to jump too. When we ended officially only a few days later I found news out that he did what most boys do (I don’t think I need to explain there). He acted as If I was in the wrong blaming me, that’s what helped me cut him out of my life. I realised that i did not need any of this anymore.
(Don’t get me wrong I tried to be there for him still and he said we would always be friends and that im somehow the perfect girl, bulls**t! why was I being nice to him when he f**ked me over. Of course he wont be friends with me, boys always want their egos boosted and the girls to make the effort)
I had time off speaking to boys because there’s no point going into something where its rushed and you know you’re not going to put 100% in. I just had fun with my friends, and I can honestly say how happy I am right now is one of the happiest times ive been in, I have a supportive group of friends, an im so much more confident and comfortable in myself. One rule in a relationship never ditch your friends cause once you’ve dropped them, they wont help anymore. The things I’ve learnt is that im worth so much more than I though I was, and that I need to priorities my happiness. Don’t try and be a person you’re not, remain true to yourself. My life is only going up from here. I have spent more time on myself and have made a big move which will benefit me in the future, but more importantly im having fun.
What I want people to take out of this post is go with your gut, don’t sell yourself and listen to the people around you. Yes there will always be moments where you will see them either socially or online but just remain civil, cause at the end of the day you’re always going to look like the better person. I’ve had people come up to me saying i’m in the right, people who he’s friends with, so it just goes to show how people react. Like I said i’m happiest right now, and i’m a lot stronger in myself.
Thank you for reading.